Baggage: Not the Kind you Bring on an Airplane- the Kind You Bring Everywhere You Are

My Spring Break from the University of Michigan was pretty calm. I stayed down here in Ann Arbor to catch up on my research projects at the hospital and to enjoy the company of the handful of friends that stayed down here as well. The break was much needed relaxation, but of course I was able to learn a few lessons.

This lesson came to me on my birthday, March 6^th.

It was a pretty average Wednesday; I started off the day going on NICU rounds for a job interview and then I went to my Urology office to work. One of my friends took me out to lunch that day, which is always great. It was a pretty normal lunch, and somehow we got to talking about my future research in health disparities in the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender communities. This is a conversation that I have with a lot of people since I am so nerdy and interested in the topic, but it had never ignited as much personal interest as it did with my friend that day. She looked at me and I could tell that she was a little off-kilter about something.

After we had talked about this subject for a little while, she told me that she has known me for quite some time now, and had something she had to tell me. I instantly knew what was on her mind, and she didn’t even need to say it. Literally, she never said any words when she came out to me as being gay.

My first thought was “holy shit!” I was flabbergasted and speechless for a few seconds. It wasn’t because I was mad or upset, but because I’ve known her for a while and would never have guessed that she had this baggage to deal with- on top of a lot of other personal issues in her life right now. She has known this about herself for over 10 years, and is just finally feeling safe enough to tell people. The fact that it took her this long to tell me made me realize how much stress people in the LGBT community must be in when trying to discover, and then share their identities.

So you’re probably wondering what my philosophical revelation for the day was.

I don’t think the following details of our conversation are extremely important, but I want to share the lesson that I learned on my birthday.

People have baggage. No matter how well we think we know someone, we will never know all of their life experiences and all of the shit they have had to go through or are currently going through. To combat this lack of knowledge, we must be open, accepting, and there for people. You never know what a mean word might do to a person whose baggage currently has them depressed or suicidal.

I recently had to help run a meeting in my residence hall to deal with the use of sexist and homophobic language being used in our hall, which is not tolerable. The words ‘faggot’ ‘queer’ and ‘gay’ were thrown around by these freshmen boys like monkeys fling their shit. And they both have about the same effect on others in the community. Watch your language; you never know how your words will hit someone. Be inclusive and inviting to those around you. You don’t have to agree with people’s sexual choices, but you do have to respect these people for who they are. Imagine yourself in their shoes, having to tell your family and friends a secret that has gotten people disowned by their families, or even killed, in the past. And then imagine the emotional baggage that those people are dealing with. How does that make you feel? That’s how these people feel every day.

So to recap:

Everyone has baggage.

You don’t know everyone’s life.

So-

Be nice.

To everyone.

All the time.

You never know how your positivity might help someone who just needs someone to be there. It’s a skill we all need to work on, and hopefully you can see from my experience that this kind of stuff happens in real life and truly does matter.

Peace and love.

Adam 

 

*Photo from Issues in your Tissues

“We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve”: Why We Shouldn’t

 

This past week I finally watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower, after weeks of my friends telling me that I had to see it. After watching the movie, I understood why I, and really everyone, should see this movie. I think almost any person could find at least one theme that they were also currently dealing with, and it would resonate with them.

My favorite part of the movie is when Sam asks Charlie “Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we’re nothing?” Charlie’s response: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” -A message that his favorite teacher told him earlier in the story. I was watching the movie on my laptop by myself, and I wish I could have taped my reaction. Do you ever hear something in a movie or on TV, and just get overwhelmed? “Holy shit,” was all that I can remember saying- out loud, by myself, probably tearing up.  

But really, how true is that statement? My blog seeks to help me, and my readers, reflect on our lives through reading and pondering. This is why I think this quote (and let’s be honest, movie) belongs here.

How many times have you had a crush on someone who treated you like nothing? You could jump through hoops, and (s)he wouldn’t even acknowledge your existence. But you kept doing it, and it wore you down. I think we have all been there. But what this made me think of the most was our choice of friends.

I’ve made poor choices, in the past and maybe even the present, when choosing my friends. I am guessing that I’m not the only one that has done so. I have had friends that have used me for something to do when one of their “better” friends was busy. Or the people who make plans and then throw you to the curb once their find out that one of their other friends wants to hang out. God do I hate that, and I think that it is a part of humanity that will not go away until you cut those people out of your life. I’m sure I have done it to people, but I really try not to. No “friend” deserves that.

I have tried to fit in with people who didn’t appreciate me because I thought they were cooler than those people that really loved me. But thankfully, I have found a group of people who loves me, and I love them right back. In my opinion, I’m pretty awesome and my friends are pretty awesome. That’s why we’re friends. A lot of people don’t get that luxury that I have, and they are stuck with a group of people that doesn’t really care. I’ve still got some Spring Cleaning to do, but finding the right people takes time. Making new friends at a huge, new, university can be difficult, but if you’re loveable, good friends will find you and you will find them. That applies for any setting.

So if you’re ever questioning your friendship with someone, ask yourself this: “Do I “like” this person because they really like me back, or am I settling for someone who doesn’t really care about me?” You might be surprised with what you come up with.

 I can tell you that after watching this movie, I am going to be much more conscientious about who is in my life. I hope this will bring you reflection and some satisfaction, or the impetus for change in your life. You only live once, so why not surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally and will always be there for you? I’ll give you a little advice, I’m getting there, and it feels good.

So what do we deserve in life, if it isn’t crappy friends? We deserve to be loved, to be cared for, and most importantly, to lead a happy life. And we deserve people that will get us there and enjoy it right alongside of us.

Thanks for stopping by. And if you haven’t done so already, watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower as soon as you can. I promise you will love it. 

Make my life easy, and I will stop living: Why I appreciate the hardships, tears, and rain

Life sucks, then you die. A common motif of my College Prep English teacher (who is awesome), Thomas Hardy (the author), and Adam Eickmeyer (me). This is a motto I have referenced countless times in my life when things were going wrong. I still believe the general idea holds true, but I think a less melodramatic way to put it would be “Life is really, really, REALLY, hard. But if you appreciate and learn from your hardships, you will die at peace.” But who the hell wants to say that? Life sucks, then you die is so much more fun to say! Well I’m kind of over that after some reflection on life itself.

My life is not easy, and I really do not think anyone’s is (although Paris Hilton’s is much less not easy than mine, just saying). I spent the last five minutes listening to a song and bawling my eyes out, for no other reason than my  internalized stress has finally built up enough throughout the past day that it had to come out. While watching the documentary Bully the other day, one of the kids compared rain to human emotions, and it was so perfect. What I took from it, is that clouds are like people. We internalize so much of our stress, and eventually it builds up to a point that we can’t keep it in anymore, and we dump it out on everyone around us.

Our hardships and our tears really do have a purpose. How good do you feel after a really good cry? I’m guessing you feel pretty good, because I know I do. I bet you also feel really reflective on your life. I would be willing to wager that some of your best ideas and moments have come after you cried about something. We really don’t take enough time to care about our own feelings, and our clouds build up to the point that when we finally let them out, they express themselves as hurricanes. No one likes hurricanes. Hurricanes hurt everyone in their path. But, how about a nice sprinkle on a warm summer day? Those are the best. Blizzards are unfortunate, but tell me you don’t get excited on those days that it’s snowing just little enough that you can see the individual snowflakes and appreciate their individual beauty.

Don’t let your stress build up to be a hurricane. Let it sprinkle out every once in a while, and I promise you that you will feel better. Let the snowflakes fall, and realize that they are beautiful.

So, put on a sad song and cry your eyes out. I promise you it will feel good. And guys, it really is okay for us to cry. After 18 years I finally realized that- hopefully it won’t take you that long.

Then kick life’s ass otherwise it will kick yours. Embrace the challenge and get in there. Tell that special person how you really feel, get an awkward rejection, eat a ton of junk food, take a risk, do something stupid, stay up until 4am watching Youtube videos with your friend, even though you have so much homework that you should be doing. Enjoy the little moments. Enjoy the struggles. Take a chance and live your life before you can’t. And when life starts sucking, just remember you could be dead.

What do you think?

Peace and love.

Adam

Life is imperfect. It’s the little perfections that make it worth living.

I have had one of the worst months that I can remember. I’ve gone through having mono while still trying to balance school, 2 jobs, and what some may call a social life. I’ve shut myself away from my friends and family because I hate people seeing my weaknesses. I’ve felt worthless and useless more times than I can count. But today when talking to a new friend, I’ve realized that I’ve been looking at life wrong for the past (almost) 20 years. 

Growing up as one of the top dogs in a small town, life was pretty easy for me. I didn’t have much to worry about, and took for granted all of the love I got from my friends and family. Then U of M came in and checked a lot of my privilege. I truly went from being a big fish in a small pond to a minnow in the ocean (yes I know minnows are freshwater fish, but I’m making a point).

I started looking at everything wrong with my life instead of what was right. I cried over getting a B in Calculus, but never took the time to smile over all of my friends that made my freshman year (or this year) an amazing experience. And today I realized two things: 

1) I’ve been doing this wrong for my whole life

2) The people that are in my life are perfect 

I’ve spent the last month worrying about three main things: my grades, being sick, and my research projects. I’ve been struggling with my identities, and have been thinking that I was all alone.

During this time I failed to appreciate so many things- that I have friends that will tuck me into bed when I feel sick, friends that will go to the store to get me stuff so I didn’t have to leave my room when I was sleeping 12+ hours a day. I have professors that care about me and one that even invited me to her house to help me get caught up on my work (and see her dalmatian puppies!). I have a family that loves me so much that they can’t go a day without making sure I’m alright. And today, after seeing a Youtube video of all fricking things (and letting out a few months of tears), I realized how much happier I would be if instead of advocating for everyone to appreciate their lives, I took some time to appreciate mine. If I was a character in the Iliad (Gtbooks 191 reference FTW), my fatal flaw would be worrying too much about making sure everyone else was happy, without taking the time for myself. I think Homer would have killed me off when I was comforting someone else, because that is completely how my life is. Finding the balance between caring about others and caring about myself is my newest resolution. For now, I’m going to appreciate everyone who hasn’t been. 

To all my perfections; my friends and family, especially Mom, Dad, Sara, Callie, Taylor, and Nav, I love you all. You are truly the perfections in my completely imperfect life. And to all my future friends, I cannot wait to see what life has in store for us.

 

-Adam  

If I Was Gay, I Would Think Hip-Hop Hates Me.

I’ve learned more about myself, my friends, and my world during the past 3 months than I have my whole life. That might be because I am a part of ResStaff here at The University of Michigan, but it also might be because I’ve become more tolerant. Of everyone. Different sexual orientations, different genders, different races, different socioeconomic statuses. 

I had a pretty culturally sheltered life until I got to UM. I grew up in a town where more than 90% of my class was white, above the poverty line, heterosexual, and Christian. Looking back, those 18 years scarred me as a person. I was intolerant of anyone who did not fit into those “norms” that I assumed because of my surroundings. 

A new, really awesome friend asked me if I heard the song “Same Love” by Macklemore last night. I had, but I didn’t remember it well enough to talk about it. I just said that I think so, but really wasn’t 100% sure we were talking about the same song. I’ve listened to it over 45 times today. If you haven’t heard it yet, listen to it now before you read any more of this post. Listen to what is being said. Listen to the pain, but also listen to the love. It made me realize my mistakes in life, but also that I can make up for them by spreading love, compassion, understanding, and justice. That friend made me reflect on my life, something I don’t get to do often enough, and I am so appreciative for it.

I’ve learned more about myself, my friends, and my world during the past 3 months than I have my whole life. That might be because I am a part of ResStaff here at The University of Michigan, and I get paid to promote social justice. But it also might be because I’ve become more understanding and open. Of everyone. Different sexual orientations, different genders, different races, different socioeconomic statuses. I have finally learned that people cannot be judged based on their social identities, but should instead be judged on their character. You would think someone who is going to be a doctor at one of the best schools in the world would have realized that by now. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have realized it once I got to U of M last year, and that I haven’t really acted on it until my sophomore year in college.

I had a pretty culturally sheltered life until I got to U of M. I grew up in a town where more than 90% of my class was white, above the poverty line, heterosexual, and Christian. Looking back, those 18 years scarred me as a person. I was intolerant of anyone who did not fit into those “norms” that I assumed because of my surroundings. 

In high school, I wasn’t always comfortable with myself or my friends. Sure I was the valedictorian, class president, and seemed to have the school system wrapped around my pinky, but that doesn’t mean I was satisfied with life. I started off high school with friends that I shouldn’t have had. I had no tolerance toward people that were different than my group of friends, a group of white, privileged, heterosexual males. If I had a dollar for every time we used the words “faggot”, “queer”, “homo” “so gay”, I could have went to Michigan for free (if only…). I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stand up to my *friends* or really talk to anyone because no one stood up for gay people where I lived. Not just gay people, but black people, poor people, women, and more. Homosexuals were heavily targeted in my high school, and I cannot imagine going through what some of them had to go through on a daily basis. Thankfully I was able to get out of it before I went down the wrong path, but those people I called friends instilled hate towards others into my soul, and it took almost 5 years to shake it.  

Then I came to U of M. My life has never been better. I have friends who are gay, bisexual, black, Muslim, Latino, feministic, and many other identities that I was never exposed to at home. I have become so much more tolerant of other identities. So tolerant that I have to even use the word “tolerant” because it’s so much more than that. I love them. I love them and I respect them because every day they wake up and they are looked down on by parts of society because of who they love, the color of their skin, their religious beliefs, or the clothes they wear. They endure being called faggots, niggers, rag-heads, bitches, sluts, and many other horrible words. I love them because I know that I have hurt them in the past, and I will never get it off of my conscience. But I will work to promote and educate people about social justice, and more importantly, love and compassion.

If you are spreading hate, stop. You are literally killing people with your words. Someone each day commits suicide because they were targeted for a sexual, religious, cultural, racial, or other bias. Why do we spread so much hate that people would rather end their own life than continue living in what should be a great world? It is because we have not been taught understanding, compassion, justice, and love. We have been taught that minorities are not wanted, and the majority should have power over everyone. We have been taught wrong, folks. And I am one of you. I hope that spending the rest of my life promoting tolerance and love will make up for my mistakes in the past.

Spread understanding. Spread compassion. Spread justice. Spread Love.

If you’re reading this, I love you. Tell someone you love them today. Someone that wouldn’t expect it. Someone that thinks you don’t even appreciate their existence. I guarantee it will make their day and make you feel a euphoria that can only be felt with love.

Thanks for stopping by.  

I am the one that got awkwardly hugged and told I was loved by someone that I just met… How our friendship has developed over time never ceases to amaze me. And yes, I am the butt-shaker in the picture. No regrets

Buddy the Bunny

Today Angels On Call (my a cappella group) performed in the waiting room of the University of Michigan Hospital. We made patients, friends, families and doctors cry, smile, laugh and generally, have fun. After the performance, one elderly woman came up to me and asked, “Your group’s performance and energy today is one of the best I have ever seen… and I come here every Thursday! What makes you different?”

At that moment the only response I could think of was to smile and say Thank You and say that we just love performing; however, as I thought about it throughout the day, I realized it goes much, much deeper than that…

It still amazes me that something that got started on a whim became this successful and such a big part of my life. Freshman year, a group of my friends and I were hanging out in the dorms just talking, when we all…

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